


Love like this is all I want

by Neuqe



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Insecurity, Kind of Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post 3x01, but mostly just fluff and love, talking about their feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 14:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14083386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neuqe/pseuds/Neuqe
Summary: “You really didn’t think I wanted you to leave, did you?”





	Love like this is all I want

**Author's Note:**

> I loved the malec scenes in 3x01 and I also love Jacky's sudden thoughts that give me the inspiration to write these things, so this is dedicated to Jacky <3

“You really didn’t think I wanted you to leave, did you?”

Magnus speaks quickly, but his voice is soft, so it barely comes out as a whisper. Alec isn’t sure if he even intended him to hear it, but he does hear him, and he sounds miserable.

It’s late at night and they have been lying in bed for hours, tangled in sheets and each other, but neither of them seems to have an easy time falling asleep.

It is kind of nice, Alec thinks, just to be there, without doing anything in particular, and just talk to each other if there is anything to talk about. He likes the serenity of it.

Alec shifts and turns on his side to see Magnus better, even though the room is dimly lit. His hair is a mess, sticking to various different directions, and he has used magic to remove any trace of the lavish makeup he has had. His face, however, is shining with vulnerability and doubt.

Alec realises that he meant him to hear the question and he wants an answer. They haven’t spoken about it since their game of pool, but Alec guesses they ought to, especially if it is bothering Magnus.

“I don’t know,” he admits honestly, and he hates the flash of hurt that lingers in his eyes for a second or two. “It wasn’t like I thought you were going to throw a party ‘cause you were so elated that I was going to move to another continent,” he explains, “but more in a way that you didn’t think we were worth of staying.”

It is more difficult than he thought to put his own feelings and thoughts into words that make sense. He doesn’t want Magnus to feel that he is the only one to be blamed for their communication mishap.

The room is quiet after he finishes speaking. Alec can only hear their breathing and the muffled sounds of the city.

Magnus lets out a deep sigh and closes his eyes. “That was not what I was trying to say.”

“I know that now,” Alec reassures him and gently kisses his shoulder.

A smile ghosts on his lips for a moment. “I thought I was giving you a choice, a way out if you will, because I assumed that it was given that you wouldn’t choose me over your career,” he says, and sounds genuinely sombre and hurt.

Alec cannot believe he thought that was the obvious choice.

“I chose you,” Alec says rapidly, simply and effortlessly, but with determination, “and I will choose you, no matter what.” He traces his jawline with his thumb.

It’s the plain truth. It is one of those things he knows to be true, even though everything else around them is falling apart. Alec cannot imagine a scenario where he would choose someone or something else over Magnus.   

Magnus looks at him softly, and there is so much love in his look, that it makes Alec’s heart skip a beat or few.

“Not that many people would have chosen me. I have been broken up with because of a lot less important reasons than sabotaging their careers,” Magnus laughs, but it is an empty and joyless laugh.

“That’s their mistake,” Alec answers, almost immediately, unable to come up with any reason why would anyone want to break up with Magnus, “and you didn’t sabotage anything. I care about my career but I know how to prioritise,” he explains gently.

“Apparently,” Magnus mumbles, before reaching slightly to kiss him.

Alec cups his face and Magnus’ hands find their way to his neck and hair. It is a slow kiss, but it is filled with love and comfort. It is gentle and it is more like a declaration of love than a simple kiss.

“Now,” Alec says when they finally depart, “that we are practising the art of communication, do you want to speak about the high warlock thing.”

He smiles at him briefly but Alec can see that there are many emotions, and maybe even something more complicated, behind his smile. “I guess it’s only fair.”

“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” Alec rushes to say, because the last thing he wants to do is to pressure him to do anything, and he has a suspicion that it might go further back than just losing his position, something more profound might be behind it.

“I want to, Alexander,” he assures him under his breath. He picks up his hand and intertwines their fingers. “I have not always seen my magic as a necessarily positive thing. It has caused a lot of horrible things, tragedies even, and destruction.”

Magnus slowly lets go of his fingers and starts to trace the deflect rune on Alec’s neck. “There has been times when I thought there was no point of having magic. I’m not good at healing people, not as good as Catarina, anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I have done good things with my abilities, helped people, but as a high warlock I felt like I had a purpose and what I was doing was meaningful, somehow.”

He sounds exhausted and thoroughly upset and defeated, and Alec realises that Catarina wasn’t wrong when she said he is devastated.

Alec is loss at words. He wants to say _something_. Anything that would make him feel better, but Alec isn’t sure if there is anything he could say that would help, but he still wants to comfort him.

“I’m sorry,” he eventually says, planting a kiss on his forehead.

“It was my own fault,” he reminds him in a hushed tone, and Alec feels like his heart is breaking, just because of the amount of sadness loaded in his voice.

“Maybe you can find something meaningful to do even while you aren’t _currently_ the high warlock,” Alec offers, even though he knows it isn’t much help.

“Sweet of you to think that I could ever get the position back,” Magnus says, placing his palm on his bicep.

“If anyone can do it, it’s you.”

“I think you might be little biased,” Magnus points out with a chuckle.

“Maybe,” he admits with a lopsided grin and an indolent shrug, “but still, and I know that you are upset and you have every right to be upset, but you know, your goodness, purpose or meaningfulness isn’t linked to your title or lack of, you are still _you,_ and you’re pretty great.”

“That’s probably the highest compliment I have ever received, that I am ‘pretty great’,” Magnus deadpans.

“Shut up and appreciate the sentiment,” Alec says, trying not laugh, but he feels the blush creeping on his face, and he kisses him again eagerly.

The kiss is challenging and messy because they both keep grinning, unable to stop, and Alec can feel Magnus laughing against his lips.

Somehow, Alec ends up lying half on top of him. He rests his forehead against his.

“I’m glad you stayed,” Magnus whispers, and even though they are the only people in the room, it still feels like those words belong to them, meant just for him.

“Me too,” Alec tells him happily.

“I know I’m a lot,” he continues whispering, but his tone is disparate from seconds ago, he doesn’t sound delighted anymore, he sounds serious and almost despondent.

“You keep saying that but it isn’t true,” Alec points out as he rolls onto his side of the bed.

“Sometimes, I fear that if I let my walls down, you will realise what a mess I am and you decide that the effort isn’t worth of it after all,” he says, apprehensively, as he stares at the ceiling, and he sounds like he truly believes it, as if it would be inevitable that one day he would just abandon him.

“Not going to happen,” Alec says as softly as he can because it is crucial for him that he knows it, and believes it, too. “I’m not going anywhere and there is no part of you that I wouldn’t want.”

He cherishes every part of him and every single aspect of his life that he decides to share with him.

He stays quiet for a moment, and Alec is almost certain he sees tears glistering in his eyes, but he cannot be sure because he burrows his face in the crook of his neck.

Alec traces the pattern of a love rune on his shoulder blade.

“I love you, too,” Magnus whispers against his neck.

Alec is convinced his own smile is enamoured and it doesn’t take him long to fall asleep after he hears Magnus’ soft snoring.

 

**Author's Note:**

> All of the mistakes are mine (there are probably are some as it is past midnight as I am posting this) the title is from a song called "penguin" by Christina Perri


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